


life can bloom when something breaks

by cryptidumb



Series: given up the ability to retreat [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Child Abuse, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Logic | Logan Sanders Has Terrible Parents, M rating for the brief violence and unpleasant themes, Panic Attacks, Rejection, Religious Conflict, Trans Male Character, Trans!Logan, Transphobia, i guess is the best way to describe it?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:28:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25128508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryptidumb/pseuds/cryptidumb
Summary: Going to the Valentine’s Day party Roman is throwing is a good idea- tonight is going to be good. Logan thinks so, at least.
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders
Series: given up the ability to retreat [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1820251
Kudos: 54





	life can bloom when something breaks

**Author's Note:**

> title from Foster the People's "Nevermind"
> 
> general TW because this one is a bit of a doozy by my standards of writing- full list of warnings in the end note to avoid accidental spoilers.

Moving throughout his room and absently humming along to the radio, Logan finishes knotting his tie. His parents are out and he won’t be home until long after they’ve gone to bed, so he figures why not; leaves the house already wearing his binder rather than trying to change in the back of JD’s truck. He even allows himself the risk of packing, wearing the baggy jeans he stashes under his bed.

His hair is tucked beneath a hat, bangs the only thing peeking out and giving the illusion that he might _actually_ have short hair.

He pauses on his way out the door to look in the mirror and his chest swells with an emotion he can’t pinpoint- _pride, maybe_ \- when the reflection looking back at him for the first time in forever is _himself_. 

Going to the Valentine’s Day party Roman is throwing is a _good_ idea- tonight is going to be good. 

It’s past midnight when JD drops Logan off in front of his house, headlights off as per his request. 

“Thanks Jan!” he whispers, and the other chuckles quietly, waving him off before driving away. Logan watches his taillights disappear into the night, and treks up the driveway.

He slips inside the door, keys rattling loudly in the otherwise silent house. A moment later, there’s a creak from the living room of someone getting up and he curses. He reaches up to try and pull the hat from his head, but the light flicks on before he can manage to unpin his hair. 

“Lilith?” his mother speaks from the doorway, accusatory.

Eloquently, Logan flounders for a second, “...shit.”

“Lilith,” his mother begins, “what’s the meaning of this?” she’s wearing her terry cloth robe and if her glare wasn’t sour enough to curdle milk, Logan would laugh. 

He says nothing, however, and sits at the dining room table tensely, foot shaking against the chair. His hat sits on the table in front of him, confiscated as soon as he had been caught. 

His father stands just behind him, arms crossed, and he can feel the glare burning the back of his neck. “Answer your mother, Lilith!” he suddenly _shouts_ , and Logan flinches visibly

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” he says quietly, hunching in on himself.

“You mean to tell me that you have nothing to say for this-” she gestures to Logan’s hair and chest, “-mess? I find that hard to believe,” his mother huffs again, pacing the floor across from her son. She seems tired, almost.

Again, Logan says nothing. Suddenly, his father is around the table and wow, he liked it better when he couldn’t see him. He’s scowling so hard his face is beginning to turn red.

“How about we begin with the why then, hmm? _Why_ are you making a mockery of our family?” he snarls.

Logan just about begins crying at that, but holds his jaw firm as unwilling tears well up in his eyes. He takes a deep breath, “It’s not a mockery. This is who I am.”

His mother stops pacing, looks at Logan with a renewed venom in her gaze, “What do you mean this is ‘who you are’?”

Logan fights to keep his voice steady, swallowing hard around what feels like a boulder in his throat. _This isn’t the way this was supposed to happen_ , he thinks. _This wasn’t supposed to happen at all._

“I’m transgender,” he confesses.

And it’s like a bomb goes off.

While the situation beforehand was nowhere near calm, even by the toxic standards of living in such an intolerant household, the chaos that sets in afterwards is mind boggling. His father begins to yell and his mother sob, but all Logan can find the ability to do is duck his head and cry.

He wants to lash out; to scream and kick and punch and curse, but can’t find the ability to do much else than stifle the worst of his sobs.

“You want to repeat that for me? I seem to have heard you incorrectly,” his father yells, inches from his face. Logan shakes and sniffles, wiping frantically at his eyes. Vaguely, he realizes he can hear his mother weeping in the kitchen.

“I’m-” his voice breaks off, and he tries again. “I’m not a girl; I’m not Lilith.”

The glare he receives for that is murderous but he keeps his head raised, bloodshot eyes and runny nose be damned, “Excuse me?”

“You heard me,” he chokes. “My name isn’t Lilith. It’s Logan.”

As his father flies towards him in a flurry of rage, Logan barely has the chance to stand up before he’s being pinned against the wall. The chair he’d been sitting in seconds ago clatters to the floor with a deafening sound. There’s a hole, and a fist in the drywall beside his head.

He swallows hard and tries not to fight against his father’s grip- his hand is knotted in Logan’s tie and while it’s not tight enough to restrict his breathing, it is enough to remind him that it _could_ . His father _holds his life in his hands_.

That realization makes his gut drop, and suddenly he wants nothing more than out of this house; away from these people.

“Get off of me,” he whimpers, fighting to keep his voice steady and overcome the instinct to pull away and choke himself further.

His father glares for a moment, almost contemplative. Around him, the world fades away, except for his father’s studying gaze, as though he’s some sort of alien to be inspected. Briefly, he registers his mother screaming at her husband to let her daughter go; _how charming_.

Then, for an instant, the hand pulls up and Logan chokes, his terror skyrocketing. However, it’s just as soon gone altogether and Logan drops like a stone to the floor. He holds a hand gingerly around his throat, heaving for air and heart racing. Then his father speaks, voice cold and emotionless:

“Then get the hell out of my house.”

He thinks it’s about two o’clock when he stumbles into JD’s driveway, a duffle bag thrown haphazardly over his shoulder as he hiccups and chokes to breathe. The walk across town in the middle of February has made his lungs burn as he struggles down from a panic attack, gasping for breath in the frigid air.

Unceremoniously, he walks onto the porch and puts his bag down at his feet. He only has to knock once and a moment later, the door opens and JD is blinking back at him with bleary eyes. When he sees the state of his best friend, however, he shocks awake in an instant.

“Lo, what the fuck happened?” he asks, alarmed as he stumbles outside, pulling the shorter into a tight hug. He accepts the gesture greatly, wrapping his arms tightly around JD as his tears start to fall again.

“Got home from the party… Mom waited up… They found out…” JD gasps and buries his face into the fabric of Logan’s shirt, hugging him tightly. Logan can barely hear the gasp over the sound of his own heart racing. “They threw me out, Jan. Can I…?”

“Of course you can, idiot,” he says affectionately. “You’ve always got a safe space here, you know that…”

JD ushers his best friend into the house, holding him tightly as if he’s about to fall apart, to collapse in his fingers. They pass through the living room, illuminated by the glow of the television and on the couch, JD’s mother stirs. 

“Janus...?” she calls groggily and Logan freezes. Ms. Nyoka goes to the same church as Logan’s parents and if JD’s mom decides that he’s a heathen too-

“Hi mom,” JD is talking to his mother, leaning against the doorway without a nerve alight in his body, “you remember Logan right?”

“Logan?” the woman frowns, sitting up and wiping the sleep from her eyes, “you’ve never mentioned Logan?”

“Well,” JD rubs awkwardly at the back of his neck, looking back to Logan as though he hadn’t planned to have this conversation. At least, not now; not in front of Logan. “He used to go by Lily?”

“Oh,” the woman says, finally looking at Logan fully. She gives the shorter boy a onceover, then smiles tiredly, “Welcome, honey. It’s good to see you again.”

And something in Logan’s chest drops, tears welling up in his eyes as he smiles back, “Hi, Ms. Nyoka.”

JD looks fondly between his mother and friend, gaze happy as the two regard each other in good means, even as tired and stressed out as they are, respectively. Then he turns back to his mom, “Uh, it’s alright if Logan stays here for a while, right? He’s having some issues at home,” he flubs, a shared look promising a better explanation later.

“Of course, he can stay as long as he’d like,” Ms. Nyoka says and both boys smile from the doorway. 

“Thanks mom!” JD says, heading upstairs and gesturing for Logan to follow. He’s halfway to the stairs when he suddenly stops, and looks back to JD’s mom.

“Thank you so much, Ms. Nyoka,” he says, smiling tightly but genuinely. 

Rising from the couch, the brunette woman approaches Logan carefully, but wraps him in a hug when she reaches him nonetheless. The teenager hugs back, much to her and his _own_ surprise, “It’s no problem Logan.

“By the way,” she says as they pull apart and she begins to head to her own room, “I like your tie.” 

Logan smiles- really, truly smiles- and thinks that maybe, just maybe, he’ll be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> TW for transphobia, misgendering, religious ignorance, parental abuse (emotional and briefly physical), parental rejection, and panic attacks
> 
> thank you for allowing me to vent with projecting onto yet ANOTHER side- this 'verse and Logan's situation gets MUCH better, i promise.


End file.
